Written by Jeremy Paxman
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Friday, 2 July 2010

image for Wimbledon to Introduce Disablers for the Final
LTA's Proposed Ball Girls for the Womens Doubles Final

Following a glut of complaints to the Lawn Tennis Association; the Wimbledon ruling elite have finally buckled to pressure from equal opportunities groups and for the first time will finally allow disablers, mentalists and retards to act both as match officials and ground staff.

In an unprecedented move sure to rock the sport of tennis, Wimbledon organisers today unveiled plans to bus in a team of SCOPE approved "special people" for the forthcoming mens final between Nadal and Berdych.

The full list of disablers being brought in for the final has been confirmed as follows:

Name: Anthony Prothero
Disability: Autistic
Role: Match Scorer
Special Abilities: In what some have cynically described as a cost cutting measure; Anthony will be using his Rain Man like abilities to score seven different matches concurrantly. He will also be running the Ladbrokes, William Hill and FredDone onsite betting operations along with providing live statistics for the various media outlets and ad hoc book-keeping services

Name: Bob Wallower
Disability: Irritable Bowel Syndrome & Tourettes
Role: Groundkeeper
Special Abilities: 48 stone Bob is beleived to be unique in his ability to not only care for the famed grass courts by rolling the ground using his own body but also to provide his own manure as he works. It's hoped his unique verbal diarrhea will complement his actual diarrhea since he is a gifted spitter and hopes that his Tourettes skills can thus translate into him being able to water the lawns without the need for hoses or sprinkler systems

Name: Adolf Von Bratwurst
Disability: Paranoid Schizophrenic
Role: Line judge
Special Abilities: Adolf comes into the tournament expecting every shot to result in a line call. He beleives this to be part of a global new world order overseen by reptilian alien slavemasters. Able to confer with himself on all the decisions, it's unlikely any of the weedy tennis playing nerds will argue with the 6 and a half foot sociopath so expect consistency

Name: Little Timmy
Disability: Neuro-Muscular Dystrophy Sclerosis, also Profoundly Deaf
Role: Umpire
Special Abilities: Fortunately, the umpires seat could not be a better fit for Little Timmy and a team of Polish electricians are already busy installing the necessary electronics equipment so that his subtle anal twitches and penis trembles can be digitally converted into computerised speech. A team of dwarfs, including England star Joe Cole, will be on hand to provide sign language services to Little Timmy although thanks to Andy Murray being knocked out in the semis, the universal hand gesture for 'wanker' has been rendered irrelevant for the final

Name: Joey Spinner
Disability: Total paralysis from the neck down
Role: Ball boy
Special Abilities: Although tournament officials concede this move is going to likley add 16 hours to a standard five set match, Joey can do wheelies which is sure to make him a favourite amongst the fans.

Name: Hubert Horatio Bartle Bobton-Trent
Disability: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Role: Ticket collector
Special Abilities: Officials are confident that this years final will be the first final where no spectator gains entry with a forged ticket since Hubert will be checking each ticket 143 times.

Andy Murray, Britains Equal Opportunities Tennis Player, is delighted with the move: "This is a personal victory for me as I'm obviously registered disabled myself thanks to my compulsive wanking and dour retarded personality. Gone are the days of me sucking the windows of the ticket office on my own so it's a victory for equality and common sense. I think it's great that such a snobby, elitist sport designed purely for the upper-middle classes and priviliged few can finally welcome some of life's little losers into our midst and give them the opportunity to make complete spectacles of themselves and in doing so; fully justify our righteous hatred of the poor and those oiks who live outside London. I treat all the ball boys and girls like scum so I'm looking forward to the opportunity of being able to thus treat these little fellas equally distainfully"

It is not known at this stage whether Murray's grotesque bloaty headed girlfriend, Kim Sears, is registered disabled or whether her chronic elephantitis is merley a result of poor breeding.

This reporter knows that he is going to hell.

Make Jeremy Paxman's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.



Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.




Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 4 multiplied by 1?

8 23 20 4
49 readers are online right now!

Go to top