ABUJA, Nigeria - The president of Nigeria Goodluck Jonathan was so disappointed at the Nigerian National Team's performance in the South African World Cup Finals that he has suspended every single player for two years.
President Jonathan said that he has not been that embarrassed since the tiny African country of Fiffifu invaded Nigeria during The Gaboon Viper Mating Season War of 1997, and captured the Gulf of Guinea port cities of Calabar, Port Harcourt, Lagos, and Zebraville.
The African president whose real first name is Goodluck said that he has never in his life seen such sloppy, lousy, unprofessional play. He added that the African National Team from Loombeezi, which only has 7 players, could have beaten his Nigerian team 3-1, or 2-0.
One of the Nigerian players Danny Shittu, who plays for the Bolton Wanderers in England, said that he is sick and tired of Goodluck's whiny mouth.
He said that the president talks a big game, but that he (Danny) could kick his ass at soccer, rugby, chess, checkers, crumpet eating, tiddly winks, and even at Nigeria's foremost dangerous sport panther de-nutting.
When President Jonathan heard about Shittu's remarks he threatened to have him arrested and incarcerated in Nigeria's most notorious prison The Ogbomoso National Nigerian Prison in which last year 183 prisoners were shot trying to escape.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Truth be told the 183 prisoners were actually shot over a 7 month period after they had played volleyball against the prison guards. The 183 all just happened to be on inmate teams that beat the guards.]
The Nigerian Coach Lars Lagerback will reportedly have to return to his native Sweden on his own.
President Jonathan says that he also will not be paying the coach the money he had signed to receive.
President Jonathan further stated that Coach Lagerback will also have to give back the very expensive elephant tusk chess set he was given, as well as the diamond encrusted vuvuzela, the gold plated lion skinning knife, and one of the three young female Nigerian 'hand and foot waiters' that he had been presented with at the start of the World Cup Games.
In other news. The state of Montana is believed to be the very first state in the United States to outlaw do-it-yourself vasectomies and do-it-yourself tubal ligation's.