The entire Argentinean football team has been in intensive physio for three days in preparation for the match with Germany. The players are all suffering various degrees of back trouble after being on the receiving end of hugs and kisses from their coach, charismatic gnome Diego Maradona. Every time they score, the players are in fear for their lives. The only one not too worried about the state of his coccyx is Ronnie Corbett body double, Carlos Tevez.
Six feet four goalie Romero always bears the brunt of the mini maestro's enthusiasm. "I felt the Hand of God tug at my shorts after we knocked out Mexico" he told our reporter. "I bent down and the next minute El Diego grabbed me in a bear hug. I felt my back go out and I could see between my knees."
The team doctor is taking no chances - he's ordered back braces for the squad and stacked heels for Maradona in case Argentina actually wins the Cup.
Meanwhile a report leaked to the media has shown the South African police have been kept busy over the last few weeks, foiling plots and attempts at sabotage.
They managed to detain 30 scantily dressed models who tried to get into the match between England and Germany. After the Germans heard the English squad were fed up and demoralised from a strict diet and lack of female company, they hired the models and issued each of them with a concealed award-winning Cornish pasty to wave at Wayne Rooney.
The French team fared no better when their plan to seek asylum in nearby Zimbabwe was uncovered just in time. Rather than face the music back home, they had planned to leg it over the border into the arms of Robert "E ba gum" Mugabe while Raymond Domenech made the sandwiches for the economy flight to France.