Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney has been caught trespassing into the London Zoo at 2:16am this morning. The striker was identified when the groundskeeper checked in at 6am.
"I saw the footballer lying down near the gorilla cages. It was clear he had tried to break in, however he failed."
The striker was held under suspicion that he tried to allegedly rape one of the gorillas, as when they found him, his right arm (his wanking arm) had been torn off.
Wayne was taken to a psychiatric hospital where he was giving the following statements.
"God put me in this world, but I don't want to be in it. I want to be with my own kind (hence why he was laying with the gorillas). I was perfectly happy chilling with them, they were happy too."
Sir Alex Ferguson would not give out any details on the strikers choice of life, however he questioned the reporters:
"do you have any gum?"
More as the story unfolds.