Sources revealed last night that the real reason for England's disastrous showing at the World Cup in South Africa was not tiredness, as reported, but in fact was solely down to a spate of underpant theft from the team's hotel.
Five thieving bastards - four men and a woman - each received heavy fines in an emergency World Cup court hearing in Rustenburg after admitting stealing several pairs of underpants from the team hotel.
The England team - with the possible exception of Ashley Cole, who doesn't seem to mind having his underpants fiddled with - were said to be horrified and disconcerted by the underpant theft, so much so that they played crap in the tournament.
England fan, World Cup Willie St George, (he changed his name by deed poll) who spent £8,000 on his World Cup dream trip to SA, told our reporter:
"Ah. Now I understand why we were so shit. That explains it. I wouldn't feel too happy meself if I thought people had been messing about with me underpants. I don't think I'd be able to focus very well either. I bet the bloody Germans didn't have to put up with that kind of thing."
The accused five, all hotel employees hurried away from the court without so much as a by your leave. It's thought that they intended to sell the underpants on an internet auction site. There appears to have been no kinky-sex angle attached to the underpant thefts.
We asked World Cup Willie St George if he was still devoted to the England team and more importantly, does he intend travelling to further World Cups?
"Do I bollocks," he said.
He appeared to be quite adamant.
More as we get it.