Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Saturday, 26 June 2010

image for Wayne Rooney: "I'll eat the football so the Germans can't score"

It is the clash of the titans. An epic titanic clash between two giants of the footballing world. And that is just Uruguay vs South Korea.

Tomorrow England face Germany in a critical and not literally deadly match that will decide which of the two teams progresses to the next stage of the tournament.

England's hopes lie squarely at the feet of square-bodied striker Wayne Rooney, those square hopes contrasting with the round ball which will also hopefully be lying at Rooney's feet. His stocky build can bulldoze walls, even those made of Germans, and it is hoped he will do just that tomorrow, with the ball at his feet and heading in the direction of the German goalmouth. Bulldozing itself would result in a red card and instant dismissal, and that is exactly what England do not want.

There are other hopefuls in the England squad, many of whom are hopeful of making the team, or even getting on the pitch and kicking the ball. John Terry is a solid defender, but not of footballing morals - he infamously slept with a fellow player's wife, but luckily that player didn't make the England squad, and neither did his wife.

After Terry's indiscretions, it is now Steven Gerrard who wears the captain's armband. I should point out that the captain is actually Gerrard, there is not some mysterious football-loving seafarer who distributes armbands. Or at least if there is then he hasn't managed to give any to the England team yet. We shall see tomorrow.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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