Written by Roy Turse
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Sunday, 20 June 2010

image for Some people are on the pitch. They think it's all over.
This is the look we need removing from the faces of the England players

Yes, that's right, they're the England players. - Anyone who has been watching England's group matches will have to concede the team has not looked inspired or enthusiastic.

Well all that is about to change. England have drafted in a new team of psychologists with the aim of improving the mental readiness of the team for their next match.

First up is Paul McKenna, the hypnotist and self improvement author. In a series of one-to-one player meetings he is expected to build confidence and self-belief. He will use Neuro Linguistic Programming to help train the players to think positively.

Second is Jon Favreau, President Obama's Director of Speechwriting. He is the man who coined the 'yes we can' phrase and is credited with charging Obama's pre-election speeches with a simple, direct, positive feel. He will work on team briefings with Fabio Capello.

Third on the list is Derren Brown, the psychological illusionist. His magic is based on the powers of suggestion and missdirection. He is expected to work with the team in groups to build understanding between the players and to utilise his suggestion techniques to improve morale and instil confidence.

The original psychological team will play no further part. It consisted of Victor Meldrew, Jack Dee, and Neil from the Young Ones.

Fabio Capello is quoted as saying "We pobiblay ... shoold ave ... thought .... of thees ... before."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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