Written by Bill Licks
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Saturday, 19 June 2010

image for England players hoping to be home in time to watch the knock out stages of World Cup
Wayne Rooney shows off his new Nike 'Shit Touch' boots before the Algeria match

The England football team have expressed their wishes to be back home in England so they can catch the exciting knock out stages of the World Cup in South Africa.

A number of England's big stars were disappointed when they were told they would have to fly out to South Africa to play in the group stages at the beginning of June so therefore would miss watching the games on TV.

They were a little happier when they found out they would be staying in a hotel with televisions in their bedrooms, but when they were told they would have to leave their hotel to play in matches against the USA and Algeria, they complained to manager Fabio Capello that they wouldn't be able to watch the two games on TV.

Striker Wayne Rooney expressed his anger after the disappointing draw against Algeria when he spoke directly into a camera saying 'I don't know why the fans are booing, at least they got to watch the game. I wanted to watch it too but I was forced to turn up here and play instead.'

Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard showed his disgust by pretending he couldn't control the ball and running into positions where he could stay as far away from the ball as possible. 'Why should I miss the game when even my girlfriend gets to watch it' moaned Lampard, 'It's not fair. I'm a huge England fan and its a miracle if England actually qualify for a tournament nowadays, so I decided to play like I was running about on Hackney Marshes on a cold Sunday morning playing for my local pub team still half pissed after a big night out.'

Some England players were hoping they could catch a flight home on Friday night so they could get back home in time to watch the Japan verses Holland game on Saturday. However, when the news was broken to them that they would have to stay until Wednesday, as they still have to play another game against Slovenia, a number of England players began crying and were only comforted when they were given a prostitute each and were allowed to take photos of each other on their mobile phones.'

Not all players were upset though, one England player was happy to be playing instead of watching.

Aston Villa 'striker' Emile Heskey said 'I hate watching England, especially when that useless lump Emile Heskey plays. I have to turn the TV over and watch Coronation Street as soon as I see that fucking donkey's name is on the teamsheet so I'm glad I had to play instead of having to watch.'

In the unlikely event England beat Slovenia in the final game of the group stages, the England team will have to stay in South Africa for a few more days. Manager Fabio Capello is hoping that by then most of his team will believe they've already been knocked out of the tournament so that they think the game they are playing in is just a meaningless friendly and they will be back to their hotel in time to watch the next World Cup game.

Then they might actually look like they want to play and try to win the match rather than behaving like overpaid, spoilt twats and moaning about everything from the quality of the football to the clean unpolluted air that they're not used to having to breathe.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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