Written by Gary Midgeley
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Friday, 18 June 2010

image for World Cup Conspiracy Leaked
Conspiracy in action?

After the recent failed attempts by football supporters' organisations to have the vuvuzelas banned at the World Cup matches in South Africa, news has spread of a possible conspiracy to silence the vuvuzelas once and for all-by knocking all the African teams out of the competition.

The vuvuzelas, popularly used by the African fans have been the centre of much controversy since game one of the World Cup, with thousands of complaints about their use not just from TV viewers worldwide, but fans at the matches and even match officials and footballers as well, but calls for a ban fell on deaf ears.

As a result, it's thought that all those against the use of the vuvuzelas at matches, including match officials have come together and formulated a plan to knock the African teams out of the World Cup in the group stages, with the hope it will silence the vuvuzelas and people can start enjoying the World Cup again.

This comes after South Africa were handed a defeat in their last match and so did Nigeria in what some claim to be controversial matches that saw two players, one from each African team get red carded during their games as well as a number of suspicious incidents that seemed to support the existence of this conspiracy.

"It is obvious to me there is a conspiracy" claimed a Nigeria player, "I was running for the ball, when I was clothes lined by the opposition keeper, whom then proceeded to punch and kick me and he got away with it, the ref said he saw nothing wrong then booked me for diving, how ridiculous". Another Nigerian player was drop kicked into the crowd during the match, then suplexed before getting 'Hulk Hogan' style leg dropped by a Greek player whom also went unpunished by the ref in an incident described as "clearly offside".

The South African team also had similar complaints during their match after they had 3 goals disallowed because the opposition keeper "wasn't ready", 5 potential penalty claims dismissed and the manager of the opposition team even shot a South African player, again nothing was done by the ref whom defended his action by explaining that the manager was "going for the ball".

The suggestion of a conspiracy has been swiftly denied by all as simply "paranoia", "There is no conspiracy and we have nothing against the vuvuzelas, it's all paranoia. We highly respect the African culture and their choice to blow the vuvuzelas at the games, they create an interesting atmosphere, so to be clear, there is no conspiracy and we have no problems with the vuvuzelas", said conspiracy mastermind Ken Neville, 50.

After the speech though, one disbelieving reporter put this to the test and revealed a vuvuzela and starting blowing, which prompted an immediate response from Mr. Neville whom attacked the reporter, sticking his vuvuzela up his arse.

In his defence of the sudden attack he simply told us that he was just "conducting an experiment" to see if the vuvuzelas sound the same when "blown from a different hole", then he strongly pointed out that it was nothing to do with hating the vuvuzela and stood by his statement that "there is no conspiracy".

As the vuvuzelas steal the World Cup headlines once again, there is no sign of the stories stopping anytime soon as London mayor Boris Johnson is said to be considering selling vuvuzelas at the upcoming London Olympic Games in 2012 in a move described by many people as "stupid, utterly stupid, it's not OUR culture, the mans an idiot and should be shot, out of a vuvuzela, into the sun" and this reporter has to agree.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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