Written by Mark Lowton
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Topics: Tennis, Pubs, Darts

Monday, 30 June 2003

image for Tennis Craze Hits UK Pubs
Pub Tennis - Highly popular craze

As is usual at this time of year the tennis craze has hit the UK hard, with the Queens and Wimbledon tournaments making the brits literally drool whilst watching in an often comatose and inebriated state. Pubs have been quick to latch on to this craze, and are steadily replacing unused and broken darts boards with full sized tennis courts.

Darts players have shown keen interest in the "Pub Tennis" game. "It's just like darts, but bigger, and no numbers."

Remarked one bystander. "I like to play darts, but the boards are too small and I can never see where I'm aiming for, not since that bloody great big dog stole my glasses anyway. Tennis is an absolute doddle in comparison. All I need to do is whack the ball into the huge area on the other side of the net, much easier than getting a pin with wings to fit in a 1 inch square on a darts board from 6ft away I can tell you."

Darts umpires are also finding the transition from darts to tennis rather easy. "Well, it's all the same, except I don't have to say 'One-Hundred-And-Eaaaaaaiiiiigggggtttttttteeeeeeeee' anymore." Stated one ex-darts umpire.

"The end of rounds are all the same as darts, like 'Game-Shot, and the first set, Tim Henman to serve first', just an example. Another great thing about it being in the pub is that we can have instant replays with the CCTV. It's far better than Wimbledon, I feel, and you can have a pint of bitter and a packet of pork scratchings while your at it, marvellous! Not only that but swearing at the umpires is compulsary. Incidentally, Greg Rusedski is seeded number 1 in the Pub Tennis rankings."

The Pub Tennis Organisation (PTO) is said to be in talks with ITV, to show televised Pub Tennis matches next summer to rival the BBC's wimbledon coverage. PTO gave the following statement, "We would've sold it to the BBC, but they said they couldn't spare any time to show the matches. They told us that next year, they hope to show Wimbledon all day on BBC 1, 2, 3, 4, News 24, and all their extra 'interactive' digital channels."

The craze is also catching on in other countries around the globe, and experts predict that in five years time we will have become really bad at yet another sport we invented.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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