Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 18 June 2010

image for England To Play Algeria Dressed In Body Armour
England in training yesterday

The Football Association has this morning announced that the England team to play in the crucial World Cup Group C game against Algeria in Cape Town on Friday will take the field clad in full body armour.

The move is to counter any sinister plots by suicide bombers who might be in the Algerian side.

The 'shifty' north African country is known to have terrorist connexions with al-Qaeda and, although al-Qaeda didn't qualify for the World Cup finals, they are thought to have numerous representatives here in South Africa - yes, that's right, I'm here in South Africa!

The armour to be worn comes in various designs, and it will be down to each individual player to select which protective clothing he wishes to wear. Many are expected to plump for the bombsuit.

Others may decide upon a ballistic vest and the popular combat helmet. The latter style suits those who prefer to sacrifice limb protection for mobility, since armour thick enough to stop bullets would greatly inhibit movement of the arms and legs. Emile Heskey, characteristically being of limited mobility, may choose this style, as wearing a bombsuit, the Aston Villa player would be rendered almost immobile.

Supporters, too, have been taking precautions against the terrorist threat. One fan told us:

"Usually I have a couple of beers before the match, but because of the increased risk of terrorist activity, and the 'very real' threat to my own personal safety, I'll be having a right skinful."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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