Written by anthonyrosania
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Topics: Jesus

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

image for Church to Replace "Touchdown Jesus" Statue Smote By God
"You look so f-cking delicious."

A blasphemous landmark along Interstate 75 was destroyed by the Lord God Almighty during severe thunderstorms Monday night, but officials said Tuesday they will defy the Creator, and rebuilt it.

Monroe, Ohio police state that a bolt of lightning thrown by the Kings of Kings struck the 62-foot-tall statue of Jesus Christ, whose arms were raised in a way that looked like an NFL referee signaling a touchdown. It's been a local embarrassment, er… landmark along Interstate 75 since 2004.

When erected, church officials said the Styrofoam and fiberglass (!) Jesus was the largest one in America. The torso-up sculpture has a 42-foot span between upraised hands, and a 40-foot cross at the base.

God appeared that evening on Larry King Live to explain his actions.

"I've received a lot of email about the statue, and what I did to it," said The Divine One Saturday. "Larry, you've known me since I was a child; did you really expect me NOT to smite this graven image?"

Jesus' Father continued: "The Church estimated the damage at $700,000. $700,000!! First of all, do you know what that'll do to my insurance rate? Secondly, where the f-ck are they getting that kind of money? That money was collected in My name, and I didn't see a dime from it."

God promised to smite all those involved in the rebuilding of the statue, especially if the Church makes good on its promise to rebuild it as "Zhu Zhu Jesus."

Jesus Christ was vacationing at Camp David, and could not be reached for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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