Written by Bill Licks
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Sunday, 13 June 2010

image for Robert Green honoured in Queen's Birthday list for heroic performance in World Cup
Nobody's laughing you useless twat

England and West Ham United goalkeeper Robert Green has received a CBE from the Queen in recognition for his outstanding performance in goal against the USA in the World Cup.

The Queen, who is a big German football fan, was delighted to see the England team put in such an inept display and was particularly impressed with the useless clown who threw Clint Dempsey's feeble shot in to the back of the England goal.

As she happily sang the hilarious German version of Baddiel & Skinners Three Lions song she picked up the royal phone and asked her grandson, Prince Wilhelm the name of the joker who was pretending to be an England goalkeeper.

'Er heist Rob Green' said Wilhelm.

'Rob Green' thought the Queen, 'Isn't he that nice chap who used to be in Soldier, Soldier. The one that wasn't gay allegedly. I like him so I think I'm going to give him one of those silly CBE things I randomly hand out on my birthday'

So the Queen called up Robson Greens's agent and asked him to send the star of 'Extreme Fishing With Robson Green' down to the palace immediately.

Robson Green jumped into his Ford Capri and opened up his map book to look for directions to London. He then looked in the mirror, adjusted his latest weave that sat on top of his head, winked and said to himself, 'You've still got it Robbo. Yo've still got it.'

Five hours later Green arrived at the gates of Buckingham Palace and told the Beefeater standing on guard that he was here to see the Queen. The Beefeater opened the gate and Robson drove his Capri down the tree-lined avenue towards a court yard where the Queen was sat on her golden throne.

'Welcome' she said 'One is delighted to be in the presence of such a legend as oneself.'

Green blushed but knew exactly why she thought he was a legend. After all, how could anyone forget his performance in 'Clash of the Santas'.

'One has excelled oneself tonight by acting like the proverbial right royal fuck up when you couldn't stop the pathetic shot from the American chap, that in all honesty, my Mother could have saved and she's been dead for 8 years.'

Robson looked confused for a moment, but he was an actor of the highest quality so even though he didn't have a clue what the crazy old German lady was rabbiting on about he knew he could pull off the role of being the shittest England goalkeeper since David James.

'So here's a nice shiny CBE for you' laughed the Queen. 'CATCH' she shouted as she tossed it in the air towards the hapless actor knowing full well he'd drop it.

But Robson caught the medal much to the Queen's disgust. 'That wasn't supposed to happen' growled the Queen. 'I don't think I like one anymore. GUARDS. THROW HIM TO THE CORGIS'

And with that order, Robson Green was dragged away kicking and screaming where he was fed to the salivating little dogs.

Meanwhile the England team have been hit by an outbreak of flu. Every player has been affected apart from England goalkeeper Robert Green who couldn't even catch a cold.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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