Written by anthonyrosania
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Topics: Philadelphia, Hockey

Friday, 11 June 2010

image for The Philadelphia Flyers Continue To Suck
#3: "Nah, they're too busy fighting to notice we're holding hands."

The Philadelphia Flyers, The National Hockey League's dung pile representing Southeastern Pennsylvania, has lost it's bid to win the Stanley Cup, quitting and giving up during overtime of Game 6 with the Chicago Blackhawks.

While this was undoubtedly the closest Philadelphia's merry band of Canadians and Europeans have come to taking Princess Stanley's Cup in decades, one should be reminded that the last time the Flyers paraded up Broad Street as winners was after the 1975 season.

Here's the math: It's been 12786 days, 8 hours, 30 minutes and 29 seconds since the Flyers won the Stanley Cup. That's like, 823,224,300 days in dog years.

35 years. As long as a lifetime, as long as a Lifetime Original Movie. Gerald Ford was President, George W. Bush was still wearing his "I Don't Do Cocaine, I Just Like The Smell" T-shirt at Harvard Business School. Ozzie Nelson, Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Moms Mabley, Howard Hughes, Jimmy Hoffa and Suzanne Somers' career were all alive at the time.

Michael Jackson was a cute little fella, and so was Gary Coleman.

So, Philly should be used to the Flyers sucking donkey balls, right? NO! Except for the seasons of 1989-90 through 93-94, and the 2006-2007, the Flyers have been in the playoffs every F-CKING YEAR!!!

They should be used to above average regular seasons, and the Flyers choking like Mama Cass in the playoffs.

And it won't change any time soon.

So, Philadelphians will continue to foist their hopes for a sports championship on the Phillies, whose World Series win in 2008 promptly killed longtime broadcaster Harry Kalas.

...or the Eagles, who just traded away 6 time Pro Bowl Quarterback Donovan Mcnabb for a conditional draft pick and some magic beans.

...or the Sixers, who won 27 games last season. (Oh, and lost 55.)

On second thought, the Flyers might be Philly's best hope.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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