Written by Gary Midgeley
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Wednesday, 9 June 2010

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The only diving they're going to be doing is straight into an ambulance

Bookmakers have cut the odds on England star Wayne Rooney being sent off in the World Cup after his referee rant during a warm-up game.

The striker was booked for dissent during England's 3-0 victory over Platinum Stars after allegedly saying "f*** off" to referee Jeff Selogilwe.

Assistant boss Stuart Pearce had to quickly calm Rooney by using a mixture of chloroform and old granny porn in an attempt to save the striker from himself, but it's thought the Man U star is starting to build up an immunity to this approach as it's said this technique is frequently used by Alex Ferguson.

As a result, Ladbrokes odds on Rooney seeing red were slashed from 9/1 to 5/1, while Sky Bet made him 25/1 to get sent off during the opening match with the US on Saturday. Other odds are 50/1 that he will actually take someones legs clean off, 75/1 that he will make someone a paraplegic and a massive 100/1 that the ref will get out of there alive.

Security is going to be extremely high for England's first game in South Africa, where 1,000 highly trained soldiers will be armed with tranquilliser guns, just in case Rooney looses it, they also have shoot to kill orders if Lampard steps up to take another penalty.

The England camp remains hopeful for a good World Cup campaign despite Rooney's bad temper as both John Terry and Ashley Cole have promised to score as many times as they can during the tournament.

Rooney has apologised for his ref outburst.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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