Arsenal midfielder Cesc Fabregas has been captured by Barcelona - and they're not letting him go.
The Catalan giants refused to comment, although speculation is rife that Fabregas is being held at La Masia, an academy-cum-torture confinement for deserters run by evil Viscount Guardiola.
Major Wenger has revealed he has trained gunners to secure Fabregas' immediate release , but Danish 'hitman' Nicklas Bendtner was not selected. "He can't even hit a barn door from six yards," Wenger revealed.
"We have many other weapons in our arsenal," Wenger went on to say. "Walcott can run past three men and has the summer off, Sagna can make a mean lasagne, and Andrey Arshavin used to work for the KGB. Together, they could be lethal...."