The Texas Rangers have declared bankruptcy, claiming millions of dollars are still outstanding to NY Yankee Alex Rodriquez from an ill fated 2001 deal, other millions wasted on non performing players long gone, and the policy of encouraging a fan base of illegal aliens who were allowed free admittance to all home games in observance of 'human rights!"
According to news and financial reports, former gunslinger Nolan Ryan will strap on his badge again, and will be riding to the rescue of the beleaguered team in consort with a posse of hard riding, fast shooting, hard nosed big buck Cowpokes.
Ryan, who ruled the roost as one of baseball's all time great players, pitching competitively into his 40's is said to be ready to take over the lawless town of Arlington, Texas, tell all the marginal players they have till high noon to catch the next train out of town, and will be recruiting some new ranch hands that have been languishing in the minor leagues due to poor management.
Ryan is tentatively listed as 'player/manager' and a spokesman for the new management group has not discounted the rumour that the hard throwing right hander will come out of the bull pen to throw some smoke past a batter or two in the late innings.
"One thing you gotta know about Ryan," said a long time fan," he's got more drive, energy and competitiveness in him than guys half his age! He can still out pitch 34% of the so called 'big leaguers' earning those big salaries, and he can go again on 12 hours rest. The Man's a Living Legend who can back it up!"
Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1999, Ryan leads all pitchers recording 5,714 strikeouts, throwing seven (7) no hitters, the last at age 44, and hurling 18 2 hitters in his 27 year career.
Meanwhile, Alex Rodriquez is said to be jittery over the bankruptcy, still owed $25M from his ludicrous $275m deal with the Rangers from 2001 which started the team on it's decline.
According to NY tabloids A-Rod has stopped picking up the tabs in restaurants, has been seen taking the bus to the stadium, been seen shopping for clothes in 2nd hand stores, and told his agent he is available for appearances at any and all civic functions for the minimum $50 appearance fee, plus the chicken dinner.
Details of A-Rod's divorce from former wife Cynthia have never been revealed, but it was said to be worth 'multi millions' based on her confirmed charges of serial infidelity which started with rumours of A-Rod in Toronto with exotic stripper Joselyn Noel Morse, a distant relative of this writer, who A-Rod said was introduced to him by his long time proctologist and Canadian Health Care Advisor, Dr. Victor Nicholas .
The Spoof confirmed that Nicolas and writer Morse, were once sailing companions, but otherwise refuted claims that the Doc was also pimping on the side. Nicholas also denied fixing up A-Rod with the singing Nun, Madonna during the Calgary Stampede.
A marketing firm from Flat Rock , Texas said they would be handling all future marketing efforts for the team, and said they will put Texas back in the hunt for a world series title and bring excitement back to the State.
According to a spokesman, they will be recreating The Alamo in the center field bleachers and reenacting the Mexican Siege every night during the 7th inning stretch, complete with elaborate fireworks , free coon skin caps, and 2 free cans of Lone Star Beer.
Attorney General Eric Holder said he will be looking into the matter saying, " I haven't read the whole marketing plan, but it smells like it's a little too patriotic to me! Don't tell me they're going to sing the national anthem too?"