Written by Bill Licks
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Monday, 24 May 2010

image for The F.A. promise the World Cup 2018 mascot will not be another f**king lion
The mascot for Brazil 2014 - Lion the Lion

In a last ditch bid to bring the 2018 World Cup to England after Lord Treesperm told some attention seeking ginger tart about the Spanish cheating as usual, the English F.A. have promised UEFA that if their bid is successful they will not choose another fucking lion as a mascot again.

The F.A. have nothing against lions but believe football fans are sick of seeing lions as Mascots after the Germans used one named Goleo VI (named after a cross between the word Goal and Pope Leo VI who top scored for the Vatican City in the 910 AD World Cup in Rome)and now the South Africans have also chosen a big cat to be mascot for the 2010 World Cup - Not exactly a lion but a leopard named Zakumi (Afrikaans for 'Shoot the spotty bastard'), however it looks a lot like a lion with the big mane it appears to be sporting on it's rather camp looking body.

Then there was World Cup Willy. The original World Cup mascot used by England in 1966 when lions roamed the streets of every major city in England until they were rounded up and sent to Scotland, where they eventually all died out after becoming addicted to smack and deep fried Mars Bars.

'Hopefully the mascot will be something completely original' Dick Clueless of the F.A. said. 'We've just seen the London Olympic 2012 mascots and they have inspired us to come up with something that will be representative of England in 2018 - Stanley the Knife and his best friend Cutthroat the Hoodie.'

'We think these characters will have universal appeal with both the young and old. They'll feature in a series of comic strips where they will travel around the globe visiting every country that has a football team, and seek out the hardest 'crew' that nation has to offer and teach them who's the Daddy off the pitch as well as on it.'

It is not yet confirmed if Stanley and Cutthroat will be the mascots if England win the bid but they will be no worse than their predecessors from previous World Cups.

Apart from the aforementioned lions and wannabe lions these include -

Twatto, Spaz and Prick the Spheriks from Japan and Korea in 2002 - Remember them? No neither does anyone else because they were shit.

Footix the big blue cock from France '98 - Ah, the French and their crazy sense of 'umour. Cocks

Striker, the World Cup Pup from USA '94 - After witnessing Diana Ross's penalty miss at the opening ceremony, Striker became over excited and began salivating. Believing he had become rabid, the team USA vet took him around the back of the stadium and beat him to death with a baseball bat. Coincidently Diego Maradona also became over excited and started salivating during the World Cup after he scored a wonder goal against Greece. However he wasn't beaten to death with a baseball bat, he was sent home for being drugged up to the eyeballs on every banned substance known to man.

And of course who can forget Ciao the stick figure from Italia '90? Think of a cross between Bertie Bassett and a giraffe after being horribly disfigured in an accident with a high speed train. Or a good looking Peter Crouch...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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