Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 18 May 2010

image for The San Antonio Spurs Trade Tim Duncan To The Dallas Mavericks For Dirk Nowitzki
A 71-year-old Laredo woman sitting on her ass (Taquito) made 117 free throws in a row.

SAN ANTONIO - San Antonio Spurs owner Peter Holt stated that he hated to trade one of the best players to ever wear the silver and black but he says he just got tired of watching Timmy miss free throw after free throw.

Holt said that when he first tossed around the idea of trading Duncan coach Gregg Popovich smiled and said that he agreed with him totally.

Popovich, one of the best coaches in the NBA, said that he tried everything to get Duncan to improve his free throw shooting.

He said that at first he used the "come on big boy, damn, my grandmother can make free throws and the old broad's 104" approach.

When that did not work, Pop, as he is called by Tony Parker, aka Eva Longoria-Parker's hubby, resorted to saying things such as "Hey Timmy, after practice, I'll drive you over to Victoria's Secret and buy you some lingerie, perfume, and a cordless vibrator."

Timmy replied that he is allergic to perfume.

Next Popovich told him that he would fine him $1,000 for every free throw he misses. Duncan sat down and wrote him out a check for $20,000. He told Popovich, "There that'll take care of my next 20 misses coach."

Even Manu Ginoboli, known as "El Matador de Argentina" told fellow teammate Matt Bonner that 'Teemy' needs to stop his constant complaining to the refs about being fouled and get his shit together and make his damn, friggin free throws.

Ginoboli's free throw percentage is 87%, Parker's is 86%, and Duncan's is 3%.

Another Spur DeJuan Blair said that many times during the season the Spurs lost games by 1,2,3, and 4 points when Tim missed 5 or more free throws that if he had made would have meant victory instead of defeat.

One of the San Antonio Spurs Silver Dancers, Traci Ann Garcia, remarked that when Dunky does make a free throw, it is because he messed up.

Duncan's wife, Amy had a t-shirt made two months ago that reads, "Hey Fans - Please Believe Me, I Have Tried To Teach Timmy How To Make Free Throws So Please Don't Give Me No Shit About It - Muchas Gracias."

So, in what is being hailed as the Interstate 35 Round Ball Trade, Tim Duncan will head to up to Dallas and Dirk Nowitzki will head down to San Antonio.

Nowitzki, a native of Germany, has a free throw percentage of 98%. When Maverick's owner Mark Cuban was asked why he would trade a 98% free throw shooter for a player who is a 3% free throw shooter he replied that the Spurs agreed to also throw in players Richard Jefferson and Ian Mahinmi, assistant coach Mike Budenholzer, three of the Spurs Silver Dancers, $18 million in cash, and the team mascot, The Spurs Coyote, soon to be The Maverick's Coyote.

When Nowitzki was asked what he thought about being traded to the Spurs he replied that he was thrilled. He said in a heavy German accent, "I vill like living in San Antonio because the city has thousands of damn good Mexican Restaurants vhereas Big D (Dallas) only has about six.

When Duncan was asked what he thought about being traded to the Mavericks he just automatically answered, "Hey ref, I was fouled again dude."

In a related story. A wallet that was recently found in the Alamo courtyard has been found to have belonged to Colonel Davy Crockett. The wallet reportedly contained $11, a receipt from Bubba's Rifle Repair Shop in Austin, and a photo of Mrs. Davy Crockett wearing coonskin knickers and a University of Tennessee sweatshirt.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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