Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez confirmed in an interview yesterday that the Merseyside club have already made the biggest-name signing this summer is likely to produce, when they secured the signature of the Hull City substitute, Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink.
Vennegoor of Hesselink, at 20 letters, is the biggest name ever to play in the English Premier League, and the Reds will be hoping that he can spearhead their attack after the impending departure of Fernando Torres.
Vennegoor of Hesselink's likely partner in the forward line will be Frenchman David Ngog, whose name, ironically, in Cameroonian, means salt.
Thousands of excited Reds fans reeled in delight over their Corn Flakes this morning when hearing the news of Vennegoor of Hesselink's arrival. One told us:
"Vennegoor of Hesselink is a truly big name. I expected Rafa to bring someone big in, but I didn't expect this! It's absolutely amazing!"
Disgusted others gathered outside the gates of Anfield to wave Benitez on his way. One said:
"Vennegoor of Hesselink isn't the kind of big name we wanted. So long, Rafa."