Written by Vondrook
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Wednesday, 12 May 2010

image for Ravens' Loss Results in Lack of Ice Cream

The Baltimore Ravens lost a detrimental game Sunday against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the loss was primarily due to mental errors and costly 4th quarter penalties. It went without saying that head coach John Harbaugh's promise to take the team out for ice cream was quickly void.

"It's bullshit," said Harbaugh to his team in the locker room minutes after the loss. "Complete and utter bullshit! This fuckin' team…it's just-I-I can't…"

At a loss for words, Ravens players looked around the room.

Harbaugh continued. "How badly do we need to fuck up before we get it right? Huh? Answer me!"

The verbal laceration by Harbaugh against his players lasted for a full 17 minutes and rightly so, according to Baltimore fans. "They scored 3 touchdowns," said 35 year old Baltimore resident Kyle Thompson. "3 touchdowns, and they all get pulled back because of penalties. My kid's flag football team knows better than to do that!"

After the 17 minutes of insults, Harbaugh tried to calm himself. "Look, I know I promised to take you guys out for ice cream after the game, but you can just forget it now. Just fuckin' forget it."

Players announced at the press conference that they were saddened by Harbaugh's disappointment in them, but most of all, bereaving the fact that there would be no trip to Baskin Robins.

"I know where Coach is coming from by not taking us out," said star defenseman Ray Lewis, "But still, he did promise us in the huddle before the game that we'd go out for ice cream later. It was the one positive thought I had going for me the entire game."

Reporters questioned whether Harbaugh's reneged promise might have seemed a bit cold-hearted to which he replied, "No, I did it for the safety of my players. They way they played today…I can't take them out for ice cream. They'd fuckin' choke on it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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