South African rubber producers are said to be "shit scared" of the impending arrival of the England World Cup Squad. Spokesman Thabo M'Johnnie said "We just don't know if we will be able to keep up with the demand. John Terry and Ashley Cole on the loose at the same time? Man, we will be working round the clock."
England's footballers are already installed as the bookies favourites to contract stds and Fabio Capello is said to be reconsidering his original hardline stance on WAGS. FA advisor Bruce Forsyth said "He's thinking that if they are in their room humping the Mrs then it might be a good thing. Of course, John Terry might always be humping someone else's Mrs, but that's football. You want higher or lower than Wayne Bridge's girlfriend?..."
The United Prostitutes of South Africa (UPSA) are also said to be concerned. One spoke to us on condition of anonymity, so we didn't tell Rita Mbanga who we were. "I don't mind doing the job, but these guys like to change ends after 45 minutes. Often they come off with ten minutes to go and a fresh guy takes up the slack. It's just not fair."
Capello has called Jamie Carragher into his provisional 30 man squad on the understanding that he is so ugly no woman will go near him. It remains to be seen if he will make the final 23.