Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 30 April 2010

image for Wings Go Down Hard on Sharks

Putting up a fine effort, the Detroit Red Wings go down in game one of the Western Conference semi-finals, losing to the San Jose Sharks 4 to 3.

The top seeded Sharks expected to take at least one game in their own house, but the win gives them an opportunity to stick it to the Wings two games in a row. "Now that we have them down, we don't want to let them back up", says Sharks assistant trainer, Enus Bakdorey. "Once you penetrate their defenses, you have to keep pushing until the horn sounds".

Detroit equipment manager, Buster Nukkles feels differently. "Homosexual innuendo and gay headlines from the San Jose team aside, we intend to leave everything, and I mean everything out on the ice. Bone, blood and guts. In the end, you'll have to do better that that to beat us."

"He said BEAT. That's funny", says Bakdorey. "I'd like to beat that cute little goalie myself".

Nukkles began to describe how he felt the rest of the series might unfold, then stopped himself multiple times in the process, sensitive to how it sounded. "We don't intend to roll over for them, wait a minute, strike that. If we have to go down, we'll go down hard, wait a minute, skip that quote too. We're going to take it to them with drive and intensity and not stop until we're satisfied, wait, aw, fuck it. It all sounds gay."

The action on the ice is anything but, however this reporter clearly needs to stop interviewing trainers and equipment managers. The Sharks are favored in the series, but the Wings are always a tough beat. Damn it. This reporter means that the Wings always manage to pull the tough games out of their asses. The series isn't over yet.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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