Written by Phil Maggitti
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Topics: England, Medical

Monday, 7 February 2005

image for God Reveals Details of Medical Clearance for Terrell Owens
The original text of the agreement bewteen God and Terrell Owens.

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - Following the Philadelphia Eagles loss to the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl, the Lord God the Father Almighty admitted that He had cleared Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens to play in the game. "For sure I was busy last week inspiring President Bush's state of the union address and keeping Pope John Paul II alive," said God, "but don't forget, I invented multi-tasking."

God's statement, which was read by ESPN's Chris Mortensen on a postgame show, had been issued through the Holy Spirit, who handles public relations for God the Father and God the Son. The most surprising part of the statement was God's revelation that Owens hadn't told the entire story about his medical clearance.

"What Terrell conveniently forgot to mention," said God, "was that I gave him a choice: I would guarantee an Eagles victory, or I would clear him to play in the game."

People who had bet heavily on the Eagles said they felt betrayed by this news, but theologians covering the Super Bowl were quick to point out that God's offer to Owens did not in any way violate the notion that man has free will.

"Terrell still had a choice," said Rev. Billy Graham. "By electing to play, he wasn't dooming the Eagles to defeat. He was simply saying they weren't going to win without him. They still had a chance, and they might have forced an overtime at least if [Eagles coach] Andy Reid hadn't managed the clock like a six-year-old learning to tell time."

God's postgame statement was also critical of the American Medical Association (AMA). Owens' pre-Super Bowl remark-"I've got the best doctor in the world, God"-had brought down the wrath of the AMA, which claimed, "Nobody is licensed to play God in this country but our members."

"That's what they always say," laughed God, "but what they won't tell you about is all the miracles I've had to perform to clean up their messes."

A source close to the Holy Trinity said that Jesus Christ was opposed to Owens's return under any circumstances. Although He enjoys being about His Father's business, Christ is said to be eager to put His own stamp on the firm; thus He often stakes out a position to the right of His father.

"Does Mr. Owens think We've forgotten about that indecent television commercial with the naked bimbo?" asked Christ, who is given to speaking in the royal We. "And does he think We've forgotten that he called one of his former teammates gay? Owens gives Us worse nightmares than sleeping in the Lincoln bedroom."

In related news, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy announced that the Patriots status as a genuine dynasty will be confirmed in a ceremony held in Boston's Fairmont Copley Plaza on Tuesday.

"We will formally dissolve the Massachusetts legislature at that time," said Kennedy, "and we will anoint [Patriots coach] Bill Belichick as King William I of Massachusetts. We will also change our nickname from the Bay state to the Patriots state."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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