Written by Chuck Barber
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Thursday, 3 February 2005

AP - Knoxville, TN -- There is great rejoicing throughout the barns and stables, and the coopers and blacksmiths shops of Tennessee today. The University of Tennessee has landed its best crop of football recruits in decades.

Scouring the lists of juvenile defenders throughout the Southeastern United States, the UT coaching staff rounded up a collection of murderous miscreants the likes of which are seldom seen outside of maximum security prisons.

Now, with 27 big, crude Xs scratched on the dotted line the University of Tennessee has an excellent chance of competing for both the SEC and National Championship Crowns for years to come.

Recruiting analyst Bert Slocum, of Southeastern Football Daily, noted that good recruiting classes are cumulative. "This year's high school seniors will be watching and they'll remember that the University of Tennessee had a great class this year. The smart ones, the ones who can read, will go someplace else, but the savage knuckle draggers won't be able to get in anywhere else so Tennessee will be the perfect spot for them. Then the next year it'll be the same, one good class begets the next."

Though necessary for success, a good recruiting class always means pressure to win immediately. "Fans are excited. They expect a lot. When they're drunk, and they usually are, you have to expect they will pelt you with batteries and rocks if you don't win enough. It's just life as a coach," said UT coach and recruiting coordinator, Ignatius J. Rooster, laughing. "You can't win without the best players. All the coaching in the world won't turn an uncoordinated, retard, egghead, geek into an All-American."

Rooster pointed to the huge crowd sitting in Neyland Stadium watching the signing process on the huge matrix board, "Drunk as they are, no pretty horse in Tennessee is safe tonight," he said laughing. "It's gonna be a huge party!"

After a long day waiting for recruits to fax their signed paperwork, Coach Phillip Fulmer sighed loudly, scratched his itchy, balding head with both hands and then summed up the day best saying, "Ooog oggg merowwww, dagnar floovie, snerk snerk."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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