In an outcry to all that is right and good in America, the patriots will be shipped to Iraq right in time for the Super Bowl, being replaced by the Guantanamo Bay enemy combatants. The patriots are being sent to Iraq on orders to teach the Iraqi people how to resolve their problems in a peaceful, democratic way. They are to train the Iraqi people in the art that is football. In this way, the Iraqi's can take their anger out on each other in a controlled and highly profitable environment, instead of wasting all of their precious suicidal members. "We can convert these terrorists into some of the best football players Iraq will ever know" Says center Dan Koppen. "We believe that it is our American duty to help these people and although we are upset at the recent turn of events, we will make good of what we can do."
The Guantanamo Bay lineup is mediocre at best. With malnutritioned, terrorists on the field, it is quite possible that we may see an uproar worse than those seen at almost every soccer game. The eagles are expected to crush their adversaries in the upcoming game. Although eagles fans are slightly taken aback by the news, they aren't disappointed. " We will still see the best game of the year, and even if the patriots aren't in it, I got tickets to the first Super Bowl in a decade that the eagles have a great chance at winning!" Says one eagles fan.
Although George Bush has been attacked for planning this, he denies any ulterior motive. "I am sorry to crush the patriots hopes at winning the Super Bowl this year." He says "But we need some people over there in Iraq to teach the Iraqi's lessons. Lessons about football, lessens about respect and following US orders, and lessons about the meaning of a patriot. We can't have just anyone over there. We need patriots."
Patriots fans are planning on boycotting the Super Bowl. "We demand our full rights to see our team play in the Super Bowl." They chanted. "We didn't come here to see terrorists. Down with eagles, and down with the evil that has forced our team to flee in the face of victory!"
"This will be remembered as a national tragedy forever in our hearts." Says one Patriots fan. "I, in particular, will fast on this day to the extreme sadness that overtakes me." May my sons live to teach future generations about this travesty and let this not be forgotten, for this is not something we will want repeated."