Written by Earl Grey
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Saturday, 17 April 2010

image for New Fergie Watch Issued to All Premier Referees
Soon the Fergie watch will be added to the referee's kitbag

All top football referees in the UK are to be issued with special Fergie watches designed by Sir Alex Ferguson himself. The watches are expected to be used to keep time in all matches involving Manchester United.

The watch has many special features. The referee can set a special alarm that will sound when the match is finished. The alarm shouts "Goal from Scholes, time to blow the whistle!" The watch also has a special penalty detection alarm which enables the referee to award countless penalties to Manchester United. Should the referee choose to ignore the special features and cause a Manchester United defeat the watch will immediately explode, killing the referee in the process.

Sir Alex Ferguson said "This watch will give me greater control over each match. I think the referee has a hard job and I'm just helping by taking some difficult decisions away."

The referees are said to be delighted with the gifts and can't wait to try them. One referee said "Anything which stops the old git from moaning has got to be good."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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