Written by Earl Grey
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Saturday, 17 April 2010

image for England Goalkeepers Should Wear Nothing
Can you beat him from 18 yards?

A study by the University of Shitchester has suggested that England's goalkeeper should play in the nude at the World Cup Finals. Dr Stig O'Toole said " Players miss penalties when they are confronted with certain stimuli. We found that a well endowed goalkeeper with his tackle out was much harder to beat than one in a nice green jersey."

A scientific study conducted at Selhurst Park concluded that 75% of penalties taken against a naked goalkeeper were missed. This compares with a miss rate of 54% for a goalkeeper in green, 43% for a yellow jersey and 0% for penalties taken against David James in his bright pink outfit.

Playing football in the nude will be controversial, but Fabio Capello is said to be "very interested" in the reports findings and has commissioned a study to find the English goalkeeper with the largest penis.

England have regularly lost in penalty shoot outs so drastic measures are called for. Meanwhile doctors have urged caution, suggesting that grass burns may be a problem.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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