Written by Fergus McCarthy
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Tuesday, 13 April 2010

image for Portsmouth F.C. to auction FA Cup and Premier league starting places to highest bidders.

Cash stricken FA Cup finalists Portsmouth FC have announced via the clubs offical website that first team starting positions for the FA Cup Final against Chelsea at the nearly new Wemberly and all remaining Premier League fixtures will be auctioned off to the highest bidder.

Portsmouth, recently forced into administration and already relegated from the Premier league have five remaining games against Wigan, Aston Villa, Bolton, Wolves and Everton believe that they have hit upon a novel way of raising funds and protecting valuable players from injury in the final run in.

Manager Avram Grant has defended the clubs controversial new venture as radical but necessary.

"We have to do something." Grant said. "The club is broke, potless, in fact, it's even worse than that, we don't even have the piss to put into the pot even if we were lucky enough to have a pot! By selling starting places to the highest bidder we should be able to recoup some if not all of the lost revenue that would normally be associated with a top flight team. It's a win win situation as far as I'm concerned, I get to save the few good players that I have, our fans can get to live their dreams and I might even get paid by August if we can pull this thing off"

Villa Manager Martin O'Neill slammed potty Portsmouth's plans as "Beyond belief" and Wigan Manager Roberto Martinez has called on Premier League top brass to "Put an end to this madness." Wolves manager Mick McCarthy was unavailable for comment but a club spokesperson confirmed that he will be releasing a statement later in the day with at least 12 references to his own arse.

Everton manager David Moyes has released a statement that has yet to be translated into English.

Experts are predicting that Portsmouth will be able to raise up to £50,000,000 from the end of season sale and say that other relegated teams may follow suit.

Football forums are already buzzing with the news with the FA Cup starting places the hot topic of conversation. One user known as Skoob1999 posted on the Dread Reds website that he had already managed to raise as much as £650,000 sponsorship in less than 24 hours in his bid to play in the cup final.

"I want either Drogba or Ballack" he wrote. "I don't care which one I get to kick the shit out of, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'm going to take it with both hands and feet."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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