If Canadian junior hockey player Chris Doyle "was charged with being a colossal asshole, prick and dickwad, I would find him guilty," a judge said Friday. "Of assault causing bodily harm, I find him not guilty."
The verdict ends Doyle's assault trial for showing up drunk at an ex-girlfriend's apartment and punching open the door that then hit a woman, who swallowed a fly and thought she'd die, which he admitted to doing. He allowed that it was a moronic accident, CBC reports, but said it wasn't the first time he'd done so, admitting that his habit of kicking in doors over using the knob had brought considerable business to his brother-in-law's cosmetic surgery drive-thru.
His inability to correctly use, or even find, a knob may also account for his extremely long list of ex-girlfriends.