INDIANAPOLIS - A visibly irritated King David broke a 3,000 year silence in a post-game press conference yesterday to blast U.S. media outlets for comparing Monday's NCAA championship game with his epic battle with Philistine giant Goliath.
The game, a largely defensive struggle between perennial powerhouse Duke and underdog Butler, featured two programs with vastly different credentials. Duke now has four national titles, Butler has none. Duke has been to 15 Final Fours, and this was Butler's first. Moreover, coach Mike Krzyzewski started coaching at Duke when Butler coach Brad Stevens was just three years old. Media outlets such as ESPN and CBS have routinely referred this as a "David and Goliath" matchup.
But David, king of the Israelites, isn't buying any of it.
"Let's review the facts here about Goliath and me," said David. "I was like 12 years old when we fought and that dude was NINE EFFING FEET TALL. By comparison, [Duke forward Kyle] Singler and [Butler forward Gordon] Hayward are both about 6-9. True, Singler is a Junior and Hayward is a sophomore, but I mean, c'mon, the difference here is marginal at best."
CBS commentator Greg Doyel pushed back on David's comparison of Singler and Hayward, noting that Duke's rotation consists of five players 6' 8" and above. "I mean, those guys are tall, so that's kind of like Goliath, no?"
David just shrugged. "Oh please, [7' 1" Duke Center Brian] Zoubek is the tallest guy they got, and he's two feet shorter than Goliath. Zoubek would have been crushed by Goliath. CRUSHED!"
While he did not believe comparisons between himself and Goliath would stand to scrutiny, he was open to alternative analogies. "A more accurate parallel would be the battle between my homeslice Joab and my nemesis Hanun, King of Ammon," Said David. "You see, Hanun was favored in this matchup because he hired had lots of money and hired mercenaries, kind of like Duke spending lots of money on recruiting. But Joab was scrappy and won with tactical skill - sort of like if [Coach Brad] Stevens' squad would have pulled it off. I don't expect Americans to get this, though. They're far too biblically illiterate. [Current Israeli Prime Minister] Netanyahu knows what I'm talking about."
In addition to using biblical imagery, media outlets also were hoping the game would bring to life a real-life version of the movie Hoosiers, a story in which a team from a small high school in Indiana overcame great odds to win the state championship over a heavy favorite. Butler's home arena, Hinkle Field House, was the site of the championship game in the movie.
But for David, even the movie analogy doesn't hold water. "Look, Butler was the preseason #10 team in the country, and Duke was preseason #8. And Butler was practically playing a home game, so it's a pretty even matchup, and I could even see the case for Butler to be favored. Also, the favored home team in Hoosiers is from Indianapolis and the underdog is from a small town. Have you ever been to Durham? That place is a craphole, sort of like Hickory. Just sayin'."
In his closing statement, David reflected on his own "One Shining Moment," and contrasted it to the ending of last night's game. "Listen, in all of this, one word pretty much sums this up: scoreboard," said David. "Hayward couldn't even make that half court shot at the end, whereas I killed a NINE-FOOT GIANT with a SLINGSHOT AND A PEBBLE. Have you ever done that? Well I have, and it's much harder than making a half court shot. There's just no comparison."