The world's best known slumlord and most hated pro sports owner, Malcolm Glazer, hinted that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will select Susan Boyle with their first pick in this Aprils NFL draft. Denying that the move was cost related the 21st century's version of Snidely Whiplash also announced that ticket prices for both Manchester United and Tampa Bay would be doubled.
"Susan Boyle is one of the most recognized and talented people in the world and will provide depth for our American football club. I want to assure the fans of green and gold that I will stop at nothing to embarrass the dignity and worldwide respect the Red Devils have earned through the years and guarantee I will drain the Buccaneers dry if need be to keep top flight footballers at Old Trafford."
In addition to the obvious low price Ms. Boyle commands in the NFL scheme of things Glazer will also save the $100.00 it costs to sing the national anthem preceding games. Along with the Boyle revelation the Glazer's announced fans in Tampa must bring their own seats from now, will be charged a $200.00 'tailgate' fee per game, and be assessed $20.00 per person for sunshine and air during games.
In Manchester United news the Glazer's announced stadium rights were sold to the Jimmy Dean Sausage Company. The logo for the company's new kielbasa line will appear on the footballer's shorts just below the erectile dysfunction drug Liagra's twin blue moon logo. Beginning next season the jerseys will be constructed with the revolutionary LED fabric Jumbo-T where advertisements can be purchased at a per minute rate.
Special Note: Only males of European descent were abused in this satire. Absolutely no big boned women with good personalities were harmed during its production.