A coalition of Major League pitchers announced today that they are disgusted and fed up with having the hopes and dreams of their respective cities pinned on them despite the era of the dominant pitcher rapidly ending.
"For too long, we have had unrealistic expectations and burdens placed upon us," Phillies ace Cole Hamels told reporters. "The baseball public has succumbed to the belief that a decent pitching rotation is a panacea for an anemic offense, a porous infield, or simply the fact that the Yankees are a better team than us. No more. It is time that baseball fans accept that this is a team sport and no one individual has the power to change a team's course."
The assembled pitchers expressed their general annoyance at fans who in no uncertain terms expect individual members of their clubs' rotation to single-handedly deliver postseason glory.
"Excuse me? I won nine fucking games last year," said Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano. "Nine. And yet every spring every moron in this city is like 'Z has to pull us through this year.' Like hell I do. If you think 'Z' is gonna drop the Commissioner's Trophy on your doorstep, you have another thing coming."
Zambrano's grievances were echoed by Red Sox all-star Josh Beckett.
"What the hell do you expect out of us, anyway?" demanded Beckett. "This isn't the dead-ball era. I pitch every five days. For 7 innings. Sorry, but that really isn't enough to ensure a World Series title, or even a wild-card berth for that matter. I love [Jonathan] Pap[elbon] to pieces, but even he isn't going to be able to compensate for the fact that Jason Varitek and David Ortiz are well past their prime."
Many of the assembled pitchers took time to opine on the diminishing role of the ace pitcher in the modern game, with several claiming that designated hitters or outfielders should have excessive burdens dropped on their shoulders.
"We are facing the possibility of never again seeing another 300-game winner," pointed out Mets starter Johan Santana. "Yet many predict Alex Rodriguez will soon eclipse Barry Bonds' home run record. Offensive records have been shattered left and right over the past decade, yet still the pitching staff is expected to carry a team into the postseason.
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to have the New York media laying the blame for the Mets sucking at your feet? It's so sad it's comical," the 31-year-old added. "'If Santana won more than 13 games last year, we would've had the NL East easy.' No, fucktard! Maybe if the team didn't a have a million injuries and wasn't the perpetually-shitty New York Mets, then maybe we would have."
One exasperated closer delievered a sermon of disgust towards the assembled media and the fans they represent.
"You know what? Instead of deeply-investing yourselves into the lives of a bunch of millionaires who couldn't give two shits about you and the children's game they play, why don't you spend some time with your family?" suggested future hall-of-famer Mariano Rivera. "How about reading something other than the sports section of your newspaper? How about being an active and productive member of society?"
"Fuck it," Rivera sighed. "Let's hear it: if Mo has a pulse the Yankees are going to repeat."