Written by Stu B
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Wednesday, 5 January 2005

Sir Kerr MacRae today announced his squad for the forthcoming season dressed in an ill fitting kilt and reeking of Knockando. He was unable to hide his disappointment at the fact that his star signing for the season was recovering from pneumonia.

Paul Gascoine will now not be fit in time to play for the season, meaning the £14.50 transfer fee has to be chalked up to experience. Further doubts surround the possibility of a sponsorship deal with Bowyers, the pie makers, when it was revealed in the Sunday tabloids that Star Striker Richard Eight Bellies Adams had been seen emerging from a Late Night BP garage eating a competitors Pasty.

Assistant Manager Alan Metcalf has been hosing down his match metaphors and is likely to be trying for another Darlington Hat Trick this season. Tension in the management team seems to have abated since Metcalf's undefeated run at the helm last year proved less of an embarrassment as initially expected.

Stu the Glue Blakemore has been in training with David Seamen and will be appearing in a Currys advert in the Spring, rumours of a ménage a trios with Linda Barker in a hotel in Swindon were denied by his publicist, Clifford The Big Red Dog citing another sighting of the rotund yet lithe keeper at a Burger King Drive Through in Wantage at the time.

Super Sub Benno has made a shock departure from the squad in a transfer deal which has allegedly netted Sir MacRae a substantial yet undisclosed amount of Nectar points. A grudge match is expected when Benno's new squad play the old firm. Life long Brother in Law and Menace to Society Bosher Sadlier has vowed to "hurt him" although that of course would contravene the terms of the OSBO placed on him by Tonbridge & Malling District Council for a road rage incident involving fruit and an officer of her majesties Customs and Excise in the Autumn.

Damers Conlin confirmed his availability despite concerns over the 2.35 at Chepstow overrunning. He is the bookies favourite for an early groin injury.

Finally Sir Kerr announced a last minute new signing of Keith Goodwin, to an already startled press conference. Little is known of the new signing other than the fact that he was introduced to Sir Kerr by Stu The Glue. The injection of new blood could be the jolt needed to kick this squad into life.

The first match is tonight at 9.06. Live coverage on Spoof Sports 12

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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