Howard Webb, the top Premiership referee, has talked for the first time about his astonishing HOMO-EROTIC display in the recent Manchester United v Liverpool clash when he put his manly ARMS AROUND Manchester United and Scotland defender Darren Fletcher and PLAYFULLY lifted him out of trouble for no apparent reason.
"It was completely unexpected," said a hot and sweaty Webb. "Fletcher was bravely laying into a prone Dirk Kuyt with his boots raised, and I suddenly saw just how vulnerable this man-child actually was. It's true, I felt something."
Webb's HOMO-EROTIC performance was immediately praised by Sir Alex Ferguson who recently admitted borrowing Gok Wan's hairdryer.
"It was a brave thing to, put your arms around another man. You'd never see me doing it. A poor ref on a cloudy day on a pitch that was cutting up might have felt differently. I have no complaints about Webb though. He's top class, and machismo is so yesterday."
Webb (43), who was wearing all black and sported a tiny silver whistle, added.
"The player's heart was pounding like a frightened lamb, and so was mine. It was like hugging a Scottish Peter Crouch. I have no plans for a repeat performance though."
A common occurrence in continental football, English Premiership football rarely contains HOMO-EROTIC moments, but it is something officials are aware of now that there are so many foreign players in the Manchester United side: swarthy ones like Valencia and Berbatov, or tall Aryan ones like Vidic and Van Der Sar, or fragile, timid cute ones like Nani and Raphael whom referees might be suddenly and inexplicably take aback by. A spokesman for the FA said they would look into introducing touchline technology next season, such as the Straight Spot and Swerve Eye, because it's been so successfully pioneered down-under.
An impartial eyewitness from Merseyside said, "Webb saw that Fletcher had lost it and saved him from a sending off. Only at Old Trafford would the ref step in this way."
Darren Fletcher is not returning Howard Webb's calls.