Written by Mike Miedema
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Topics: History, Turkey

Saturday, 13 November 2004

image for Madden brings anecdotes, turkey gravy to the table
Madden holding a turkey; turkey not pictured

John Madden will be forever remembered as a great and poignant football commentator. His stylings of witty irrelevance shall be steeped in the annals of television history. Yes, John Madden certainly brings a lot to the table, most noticeably inapplicable anecdotes and turkey gravy.

The anecdotes are as precious as the NFL team logo, embroidered gravy bowls that adorn the ABC set. When a crushing blow is about to occur, you can always count on Madden for his comparison of the hit to the time he was riding a bus in his college days and then something went horribly awry: three mexicans began selling non-mexican lawn furniture outside of the stadium gate find a pick axe and decide to make concrete blocks out of Bill Parcells parking space which makes a Boom and a Pow or something like that.

Certainly aware of Madden's shenanigans, Monday Night Football sidekick Al Michaels digresses, "John does like humoring himself with his vague stories from years past and incidentally likes humoring his doctors who have told him repeatedly to lay of lard in the liquid variety- it's prone to clog his heart."

This hasn't stopped Madden with his gravy consuming ways. "I need that bowl of gravy during the game, just like Summerall needs his Jack Daniels." Pat Summerall, Maddens prior sidekick, has since received a new liver; Madden insists he will not require any new gravy-related organs. "I'll be fine, that gravy goes down nice and easy, kind of like Brett Favre when he sees Michael Strahan coming at him for a NFL record sack."

Michaels doesn't seem to mind Madden bringing turkey gravy to the table. "John is going to be John, I couldn't pick him out of a lineup if his face wasn't half-smothered in turkey gravy, or some sort of turkey gravy-based derivative that he's boasting about. I'll continue to love the guy either way."

"Hey I'm not on the T.V. for my health," says Madden, which apparently rings all too true for his resident doctor, Dr. Vargas. "You wouldn't know it to look at the guy, but he is one slippery toad; I mean it, he is always on the road with that damn meat-sponsered bus he drives in, always out of my medical reach. I bet he's got a years supply of turkey in there, which for you and me is one turkey, but for John, God knows..."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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