Written by Daniel Bristol
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Thursday, 25 February 2010

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Johnny Wallbanger: Now a Total Loser.

Medium Rock, AK - Senior year at Medium Rock High School was memorable for Johnny Wallbanger. The Medium Rock quarterback averaged 10 touchdown passes per game and threw for hundreds of yards, propelling his team to the top of their division. Wallbanger also threw a banner year at the pitcher's mound, performed admirably on the basketball court, and was unanimously elected Prom King, sitting alongside his Prom Queen Cheryl Handjob.

"Every guy wanted to be Johnny," said his football coach Steve Riceballs. "Every girl wanted him. Even me."

However, that was in 1987.

Wallbanger has fallen far from the god he once was. In fact, he is now a total loser.

His washboard abdomen is now awash beneath a mound of flaccid fishbelly cellulite pockmarked with pimples and the bruises left behind by a hundred popped zits. His once-feared throwing arm now is only good for opening beer cans and then crushing the empties against his head, now harder than normal because of a steel plate that was surgically inserted seven years ago after Wallbanger survived a tragic quadrunner accident.

"I was trying to jump the Black Feather quarry," said Wallbanger. "I had fifty bucks riding on that stunt. I made it in my junior year. I had pictures but they were stolen. Probably by that fag Dickerson."

Dickerson is, of course, Chris Dickerson, Wallbanger's former high-school buddy. The two had a falling out in 1995 over a bass-fishing program on TV.

"That asshole said Elmer Dinkley couldn't catch no walleye without high-test and a jig and pig. I did in my junior year. I took pictures but I bet he stole 'em, the fucker."

Wallbanger, who once had his pick of the school's cheerleaders, married Wanda Lou Melmahay, former truck-stop waitress and former head of the cheerleading squad. However, Wanda Lou is now a receptionist with the Seed & Feed Credit Union, where she enjoys a well-deserved reputation as Donut Queen and Office Slut three years running.

Wallbanger, who majored in Sports and Fitness during high school, has not worked since 1990. That's when someone told him he should open his own sporting goods shop.

"I'm waiting to win the lottery," Wallbanger said in all seriousness. "Then I'm gonna open my sporting goods store. Just waiting for my ship to come in."

"That lazy asshole hasn't worked a day since 1990," said Wanda Lou Wallbanger. "I get to bust my ass and pay all the bills because Fat-ass still thinks he's at the fucking prom!"

Speaking under condition of anonymity, sources close to Wallbanger told Spoof reporters, "I don't see why that guy doesn't just swallow a shotgun. His last useful year was 1986."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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