Embattled Golf star Tiger Woods announced early today that he has decided to take his career as a professional athlete in a new direction; one that will more accurately reflect who he is as a person and what he is all about.
Woods, recently the center of controversy surrounding his sex addiction, has decided to enter the hard, fast-paced world of Marathon Screwing.
"He's a natural," said Woods representative Oscar Shtupp. "We're entering him in the preliminary heat of the Reno Fuckalot Contest to see what kind of numbers he can get. I'm pretty confident."
The Reno Fuckalot, long considered a good event for those new to Marathon Screwing, will probably present little or no challenge to Woods, now acknowledged as one of the horniest bastards in the business. However, as Shtupp told the Spoof, "In Marathon Screwing, just like in Golf or football, you have to start at the bottom. It's got a pecking order just like any other sport."
It is possible that Woods may prepare for the more rigorous events, like the Vegas 500, by mega-dosing on vitamin-E and viagra and improving his already legendary stamina by participating in team eventss such as the Esher Orgy Bowl, long considered one of Britain's best bangs.
Sponsors are already lining up to get a piece of the action in this milestone career decision. Trojan has announced the construction of a blimp, called the Woody. The Woody will be the world's first anatomically correct blimp and will feature advertisements for its products. It is set to launch early this summer over Salt Lake City, Utah.
When asked about Wood's chances for the upcoming Reno Fuckalot, veteran analyst Ron Jeremy said, "Oh I think he'll come in first."