Written by Jenko Tiger
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Thursday, 18 February 2010

image for Gulf billionaire to fund gay premiership team
I'm a celebrity get me in there!

It is reported that an irate oil tycoon has expressed an interest in bank-rolling a Premiership club on the proviso that the squad be made up entirely of professional gay footballers.

The highly paid sport is renowned for the lack of desire of up to 50 players to come out and play and despite FA attempts to reduce homophobia in the game, many a pro is known to be reluctant to take the risk.

Shady Palms

Bel Hadj Dioup, a Brunei exile has offered to stump up a massive incentive for the first club to take the massive step and buck the trend of changing-room closetry. In a brief radio interview, he claimed; "I despise dual standards and simply cannot believe it is right in this day and age for a person in the public eye to have to live an obscured private life. I know it's a cliche to say it's a game of two halves but it's also a game of multi-personalities too. I have much money to spend and if it means greasing a few palms to get footballers be visible then so be it.".

The magnate is believed to be in exile because of a disagreement about not being supported in a move to promote womens' football in the country. Close advisers to the millionaire revealed how he was driven to reside in the middle-east and generate billions in oil revenue through his powerful network of drilling and exploration contacts.

An acceptable stain

A spokesman for the FA, Tom Lavender-Bridge welcomed the development; "I'm sure there will be a lot of noise at first but the British always like to get behind the underdog and push forward - I'm sure the team will leave its mark on football history".

Several clubs are believed to be in the frame and the troubled club, Portsmouth with its maritime background are strong, if camp runners in the campaign. A few tentative fans have already amended the chiming terrace song to 'Play out Pompey, Pompey come out!'

Gay for Play

The gay agenda in football has not seen such a high profile story since the days of Elton John's Watford or Wimbledon's Batty Boys under the 300-movie-like leadership of Vinny Jones in the late 80's. Now it seems that Gay for Play will be a thing of the future - at least with clubs struggling for their existence hoping to pad out their bottom line.

Bum pundits

Soccer pundits have added to the spin with their inimitable take on the topic. Whilst support has been scant from the old rear-guard die-hards such as Andy Gray and Mark Lawrenson, positively flapping support has flooded in from metrosexual presenters such as Redknapp, Lineker and dark horse-hung, Alan Stubbs.

We all should have went gay

"After the mass appeal of Beck's and the sexual pantheon that is Cristiano Ronaldo, it was only a matter of time before people lost touch with the old shin-pad and Vaseline routines of the players of the past". Said a suspiciously vociferous Alan Shearer, "Football is a gloo-bal sport now-a-dees and it would have been tow-tallie unacceptable to say you were a Balon d'Or winner and to 'ave went down your loo-cal pub a few years ago - Football has to reflect the community it serves".

As a cowardly football world waits with baited breath, football commentators have enrolled on Diversity and Difference courses in anticipation. Managing Director of leading transformational training company, Changing Sex, Changing Sox, Antoine Anthonologous explained the upturn in his business success.

Light relief

"Ten years ago we were dealing with the odd local authority who were struggling to deal with the sexual identity issues of a few employees such as Lollipop Men/Women/People, now we have been invited to meetings with all the Premiership Managers and asked to deliver our high impact training. It's amazing to see the relief on their faces. At last there is light flooding out of their closeted changing rooms".

Queen Alexandra of the South

It is encouraging to hear of the overwhelming support of the Premiership Managers Association and the amazing turnaround of opinion in the area of sexuality in the game. One cannot help but be curious how characters like Stoke assistant manager, Peter Reid would have taken to the news. And, what of Fergie, Patron Saint of the Hairdryer and firm favourite with the gay community for his 'squeaky bum time' comments? Analysts have long read more into the comment than the plaintive cry for more points on the board.

So, will it be Rangers Park Queens, Crystal's Palace, Ass-tone Villa or Man-City-United to take the plunge?

Watch this space!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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