Written by Bill Licks
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Wednesday, 17 February 2010

image for Britain strikes Olympic Penguin Stroking Gold
The scene of the victory for team GB

The British Olympic team were dancing in the streets of Vancouver last night after winning their first Gold Medal at the Winter Olympics.

The little fishing village of Vancouver, which is named after the French verb 'to slumber', awoke this morning to witness the aftermath of an all night party held in honour of Geoff Parsons, the winner of the Penguin Stroking gold medal.

Geoff, a zookeeper at Bristol Zoo, only began training for the event in September but was delighted to beat the favourite Bob Segerson from Canada, who was the current undefeated World Champion.

Penguin Stroking is the Canadian national sport and was inspired by the top rated TV show in Canada for the last 30 years, The Benny Hill Show.

The idea was taken from the final chase scene where Benny pursued a bevy of scantily clad beauties around random locations accompanied by the infamous theme tune.

The event involves the contestant and the penguin starting on opposite sides of an igloo. When the starter pistol is fired both contestant and penguin set off in pursuit of each other around the igloo until the contestant catches or 'strokes' the penguin. The winner is the contestant who can stroke the penguin in the fastest time within the maximum 5 permitted minutes.

Canadians have dominated the sport since it was created and even send their kids to Penguin Stroking camps in the summer so the defeat was a crushing blow to the morale of the host Olympic nation.

This disaster follows the tragedy that happened at the beginning of the games when the winner of Canada's Got Talent, Gus the farting moose, set fire to himself when lighting the Olympic flame.

The victorious Brit won the event in a new World Record time of 5.38 seconds smashing the old record held by Segerson of 4 minutes 25 seconds.

Segerson eventually finished with the bronze medal behind Norwegian Cnut Cnuterssen who recorded a time of 59.02 seconds.

All is not lost for the big Canadian Lumberjack though as he has a chance to make amends when he competes in the Individual Team Pursuit Penguin Stroking and the gruelling 30km Cross Country Pursuit later this week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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