VANCOUVER-The United States has continued to bring home Olympic Gold, with 2 out of 8 medalists winning top honors, and Germany and France trailing at 6 total medal wins.
In an unprecedented decision, the Olympic Committee has unanimously decided to award Participation Trophies to nations whose athletes have not won anything.
"We don't want anyone to feel bad," said Olympic Committee member and former Soccer Mom Colleen Leopard. "After all, the point of the Olympics is to have fun, and how can we send athletes home empty-handed?"
Some athletes have protested the Committee's decision. "It makes the achievements of those of us who win totally pointless!" said speed-skater Mani Davies. "I worked hard to get where I am with my game, and if I have to share the spotlight with a dozen also-rans it pisses me off!"
"Now, that's not the right attitude," responded Leopard, shaking her finger. "We want everybody to feel good about themselves, not just the people who accomplished something! If we saved recognition just for people who accomplished something, where would poor Kevin Federline be?"
And so, everybody wins at this years Winter Olympics! HOORAY FOR MEDIOCRITY!