Today at the Stamford Bridge brothel Chelsea FC unveiled their new Russian signing. Houdyanika Bolakov, formerly of Torpedo Chernobyl, has signed for an undisclosed fee-although rumours suggest it was in the region of two balloons and a gold fish.
Bolokov is an extremely gifted midfielder. He is also famous in Russia for having specially made jock straps due to his enhanced testicular region. Bolokov is thought to be the world's first three-testicled footballer. The rumours about Martin Peters remain unproven.
The Chelsea wags are said to be thrilled at the prospect of spending some time in the treatment room with him, and John Terry's wife is already planning her revenge.
Assistant coach Ray 'Hannibal' Wilkins said "This lad is really talented. To see him ball-juggling is a sight to behold. And when he dribbles it's special."
Latest score from Stamford Bridge: Chelsea 3 (Bolokov hat trick) Wayne Bridge's ex 0 and she's hoping for extra time.