Apocalypse/Rapture Widely Expected
New York: In one of the greatest comebacks in baseball history, the lowly (some might say cursed) Boston Red Sox climbed out of a 3 game to 0 grave, and beat the Yankees in the House That Ruth Built! The Red Sox pulled off their unlikely victory despite a ceremonial animal sacrifice performed on the pitchers mound earlier in the day by Yankee reliever Mariano Rivera. "I knew I shoulda killed that second cock and drank its blood. One just wasn't enough!"
After the last out had been made, reporters asked George M. Steinbrenner for his thoughts. As usual, the Yankees principal owner was gracious in defeat, "Get those f***** microphones outta my face. Torre…he's gone, Cashman…fired, Javier Vazquez…I'll have his ass deported, and Kevin Brown…he should be killed…murdered…eviscerated! There's going to be some big changes around here…BIG changes!"
Meanwhile, back in Boston, millions of dazed Red Sox fans didn't know quite how to react as victory seemed imminent in the ninth inning. "It's not over damn you," remarked Johnny Schlong, "they only have a seven run lead…and there's only two out...and two strikes. They can still blow it! God knows, they've done it before!" Next to him, Ben Dong, an engineering student at MIT, remarked, "Yeah, they can still give up seven home runs, or a ball can go through our first baseman's legs…again!"
After the victory was secured, thousands of delirious fans stripped naked, painted their bodies red and converged on a darkened Fenway Park…with several successfully scaling the famous wall in left field. Several couples actually seemed to be having sex in the streets. Remarked one young man, "Hey, my girlfriend said that we wouldn't do it until we either got married, Hell froze over, or the Red Sox beat the Yankees. We'll now it's time to pay up baby!"
Area hospitals also reported jammed emergency rooms as the injured and drunk poured in. Several trauma centers also reported a sharp spike in the number of heart attacks reported. The head of cardiology at Boston General, Dr. Mark Greene, remarked, "Yeah…quite a few of these older guys just kinda grabbed their chests and fell over when the game was over. I'm thinking that they we just kinda holding on to see the Sox actually beat the Yankees. When that finally happened, they just didn't have a reason to keep living."
In other news today, there were unconfirmed reports of frogs falling from the sky in Dallas, volcanic eruptions in the Pacific northwest, and the dead rising from their graves en mass. Astronomers also report an increase in sun spot activity, solar flares, the moon leaving Earth's orbit, and a massive asteroid hurtling towards the planet.
"Yeah, it's the Apocalypse all right," remarked a NASA spokesman, "we knew it might happen if the Red Sox won a pennant from the Yankees!" After pausing, he quietly added, "God help us all if they actually win the World Series!"