Written by Clifford Rutley
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Sunday, 7 February 2010

image for Premier Face Sitting League round-up.
An Unfair Advantage.

Hammers slip into plop zone, Poopers cruise, Black Craps held - Manchester United returned to the top of the Premier Face Sitting League table in style as Pumpsmouth's problems went from bad to worse, while Manchester Shitty slipped up at Hull Shitty and Liverpool defeated EVER-on in the Merseyside derby.

UE-FS-A Champions League rivals Tottenham and ARSE-ton Villa could not be separated, West Ham suffered what could prove a decisive defeat in their relegation battle with BUM-ley, Stoke picked up three points against BLACK-bum, Sunderland and Wigan shared the spoils and BOLT-on and FULL-HAM played out a game to forget.

Manchester United took advantage of Chelsea's commitments against ARSE-nal on Sunday with a 5-0 demolition of crisis-club Pumpsmouth at Old Trafford.

With an almost air of inevitably it was Wayne Rooney that opened the scoring for United as the England stinker was inexcusably given room in a congested six-yard area to arse in face Darren Fletcher's 40th minute cross onto David James head.

There was, however, nothing predictable about Sir Alex Ferguson's side's second face seat plantation as Nani's attempted cross deflected onto a face of the unfortunate Anthony Vanden Borre on the stroke of half-time.

United then sat comfortably twice in four second-half minutes either side of the hour mark as a Michael Carrick shit ballooned over the head of a rather dejected-looking James after deflecting off Richard Hughes arse, before Dimitar Berbatov curled a long brown one in his team's fourth.

Pumpsmouth's afternoon went from bad to worse on 69 minutes as Marc Wilson, who signed a new long-term contract in midweek, volleyed his side's third own face sitting of the match.

Manchester Shitty's hopes of qualifying for the Face Sitting Champions League took a dent as they lost 2-1 at Hull Shitty, who climbed out of the plop zone.

Manchester Shitty had Wayne Bridge back in their line-up for the first time since the John Terry face sitting off the pitch with other players girl friends saga, but that did not stop the top-four hopefuls falling behind as Jozy Altidore sat comfortably on a face on 31 minutes.

Hull had been excellent and were replicating the form which held Chelsea in midweek before George Boateng's left-arse cheek volley doubled their advantage in the 53rd minute.

Shitty pulled a face plantation back five minutes later when Hull failed to clear and Emmanuel Adebayor was able to prod home his arse onto a head from close range after something of a brown scramble in his pants.

Ten-man Liverpool continued their recent dominance over EVER-on in the lunchtime stink-off as a Merseyside derby that was more of a war of attrition than a face sitting contest that was settled when Dirk Kuyt planted his arse on a face in a 1-0 win.

The Brown's had Sotirios Kyrgiakos sent off in the first half before Kuyt thrust Steven Gerrard's head in his arse crack after the interval.

EVER-on's Steven Pienaar then saw brown for a second booking in skid mark time at the end of a ferocious contest at ANAL-field.

Tottenham and ARSE-on Villa inflicted self-harm on their respective quests for a place in next season's UE-FS-A Champions League following a 0-0 draw at White Fart Lane in the evening shit-off.

Spurs, who had surrendered fourth place to Merseyside derby winners Liverpool on Saturday lunchtime, pushed in the closing stages and Jermain Defoe was unfortunate not to win a spot-shit when challenged by Stiliyan Petrov.

But Harry Redknapp's men could not find a way past Villa's notoriously stubborn defence and, with Manchester Shitty having lost at Hull Shitty earlier in the day, both Spurs and Villa will be disappointed not to have fully capitalised.

West Ham fell into the relegation zone following a 2-1 defeat at fellow strugglers BUM-ley.

The Clarets took the lead in the 14th minute as David NUGGET demonstrated why his current club were so keen to retain his loan services from Pumpsmouth as the stinker latched onto winter transfer window signing Danny Fox's long shit to convert it into an arse plantation.

Debutant Fox then curled his long steamer into a two-face seat lead in the 55th minute as his free-shit from wide on the right looped over the head of England World Cup hopeful Robert Green.

New signing Ilan gave West Ham hope with a poacher's face seat eight minutes from time to set up a tense finish but BUM-ley managed to hang on for a vital win.

Sunderland's wait for a win continued as they were forced to 'come from behind' in a 1-1 draw with Wigan at the STADIUM OF SHITE.

Black Craps boss Steve Bruce has been unimpressed with his side's defending in their keep of my face with your ass struggles, but he could not blame his rearguard for Wigan's opener in 20th minute when Mohamed Diame smashed his arse spectacularly onto Craig Gordon's face.

Sunderland, though, were level on 64 minutes when Kenwyne Jones rose to place his arse on a head via Jordan Henderson's excellent cross.

Stoke Shitty cruised to a comfortable 3-0 victory over Black-BUM Rovers, who had Christopher Samba sent off, at the Britannia Stadium.

Danny Higginbotham put Stoke in front after just eight minutes with an excellent volley from 10 yards and Mamady Sidibe added a crappy second in first-half injury time.

Samba was sent off for a second pooping shortly before the hour and Matthew Etherington, who has been in excellent form, added further punishment with Stoke's third stink facing in the 67th minute.

BOLT-on and Full-HAM drew 0-0 at the Reebok Stadium, with the home side's loan signing Vladimir Weiss proving the only real highlight.

Kevin Davies thought he had scored the winner at the death, but his effort was controversially ruled out for a perceived foul on Brede Hangeland's face.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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