A SPOKESMAN for a major golf and apparel manufacturer confirmed today that it will "indemnify" and "pay" Tiger Woods for any payments necessary to satisfy Elin Woods, "if only Tiger will get back on the tour." Rumors are circulating that Tiger could be ready to play as early as the Accenture Match Play Championship, Feb. 15-21, in Arizona.
"Yes, our hearts are broken over Tiger and Elin's situation," said Jim Richardsonstein, Director of golf sales, "but we are f----- bleeding here!" Sources say that their fourth quarter golf and apparel sales were "way down" as women everywhere refused to buy golf gifts for their husbands.
Mr. Richardsonstein explained that the endorsement and product relationship with Tiger was just as complicated and emotionally charged as a marriage, but after much soul-searching and three-way counseling and mediation, the parties have decided that they "will pay Elin whatever she asks if she'll just 'f----- lighten up a little'." A deal that makes Elin happy is expected to satisfy all those wives that simply want to know "the bastard suffered" and that "Elin is smiling again."
Tiger has refused to speak to the media about his personal situation, but his long-time caddy said that Tiger enjoyed the competition and stare-downs during the mediation and counseling sessions with Elin and Richardsonstein. The caddy added that Tiger "is at his best in a match play format" and that Tiger knew they "would cave and pay."
"The man is amazing," said Dick Shankman, PGA tour professional, "just when you think he's played himself out of a competition, he finds a way to come back." Add another win to the Tiger column for now, and soon we will report on new endorsement deals expected for Tiger as he returns to the tour.