NEW MADRID, Missouri - President Barack Obama was in New Madrid addressing the Missouri Federation of Mule Breeders.
He stressed to the convention goers the importance of making sure that our children and their children continue to take advantage of the work that these much-overlooked animals are capable of.
The president stated that growing up in Hawaii he always wanted a mule, but since it was Hawaii all he ever got was a featherless cockatoo that his grandfather had bought at the pet shop from the 'Reduced For Quick Sale' bin.
He proudly said that now, as an adult, he owns three mules, which he keeps in the White House stable located behind the backyard gazebo.
The president was asked about his thoughts on the way that the NCAA Bowl Championship Series is determined.
He grinned and said that he personally does not like the way it is set up. He was asked to explain.
After collecting his thoughts, he remarked that the way it is now only the biggest, richest, and prettiest colleges and universities get to participate in the Bowl posturing.
He went on to say that the top Division 1 schools in the six top conferences have an automatic bid to play in one of the nation's top bowls, whereas a smaller school, in Division 2, who may have gone undefeated does not because it's probably very old, the professors aren't top notch, and the students may just be going through the motions.
The president focused on three such Division 2 schools who each went undefeated at 10-0 this year, Smokey Mountains A&M, Bayou State Tech, and Lower Utah State.
He stressed that big schools like Alabama, Texas, Nebraska, and Tennessee get preferential treatment whereas little bitty schools like Bayou State Tech, Rachel University, and IUD (Institute of Upper Delaware) get shit (his exact word).
The president reminded everyone that this is America and in America any piss ant of a school, IUD for example has the God-given right granted to them by the U.S. Constitution to go to a bowl game.
He smiled and said "Let me give you an example of exactly what I mean. Lets pick the Rose Bowl. A Division 2 team who went 10-0 such as IUD earned the right to play another team that also went 10-0. And lets say that the Division 1 team is Alabama.
Now there isn't a college football fan anywhere in America who actually thinks that IUD has a chance of beating Alabama. But that is not what it is about. It is not about IUD going in and getting their sorry damn behinds kicked from Mobile Alabama all the way back to Dover, Delaware.
He then added that it isn't about one team winning and one team losing. He said that it is about both teams showing up and representing their respective schools to the fullest.
The president pointed out that to not allow IUD to play against Alabama is discriminatory, unfair, and un American. He noted that last year two Chinese teams met for the Chinese College Football Championship.
The Division 1 University of Shanghai Dragon Slayers finished the season at 10-0 and the Division 2 Chengdu Chopstickers also finished the season at 10-0.
When the final seconds ticked off, Shanghai had defeated Chengdu by a score of 97-0. Obama stated, "Yes, it was a freakin lopsided game, no damn doubt about that. But hey, it was a fair and just, by the rules, freakin lopsided game.
In a related story. Oprah Winfrey has invited all of the Obamas, Brobama, The First Mama, and the two little First Kiddoes, Malia and Sasha to be her guests at the Super Bowl. She told them not to worry about bringing their Secret Service agents because she has her own security detachment, the Winfrey Wonders that includes 32 agents, a fully armed helicopter, and a state-of-the-art fully armed army tank.