Written by Quentin Shires
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Sunday, 24 January 2010

image for Fish Dies After Vikings Win

SIOUX FALLS, SD- 'Swimmy the Fish' Jones was found dead in his Sioux Falls home Monday morning after an unexpected win by the Minnesota Vikings team on Sunday. Diane Jones of Sioux Falls, one of Swimmy's roommates, found the fish dead before leaving for her mundane job as a probation officer.

"I regret to inform you all that Swimmy the Fish was found fins up this morning. Apparently the excitement of the Vikings was too much for him…" Jones told Facebook friends during her morning status update. "The cause of death is unknown," Jones continued, stating that she just assumed, "it was from total boredom caused by swimming around in a small glass bowl all day."

But not everyone agrees with this statement. Other fish, which knew Swimmy well, state that there possibly is something 'fishy' going on. "Swimmy was the happiest fish ever," Goldie Fish reported from down the street. "He would never have done this to himself, and he didn't even like the Vikings. I don't know what Ms. Jones is talking about!"

After calling the police to report the sudden death of her friend, Jones stated she flushed the fish's body down the toilet. "Swimmy would not want a big fuss," Jones told police after their arrival. "This death was really sudden and came as a bit of a shock-no time to pre-warn the family."

Police investigating the sudden death of Mr. Swimmy are looking into Diane Jones's background. Officer Mike McMahon of the Sioux Falls Police Department was on the scene shortly after the investigators noticed that Swimmy's body was missing. "I need everyone to stay calm" McMahon forcefully stated during a press conference on the front lawn of Jones's house. "We are exhaustively looking into the backgrounds of all family members within the Jones' household and following up on all leads."

Apparently this is not the first fish death listed on Diane Jones's criminal history. Her Facebook status reported that this is the 7th or 8th fish to have died under her care. Police say that this self-incriminating evidence will help the District Attorneys office decide if there is a case to prosecute Diane Jones.

"Obviously there is a pattern emerging, but we can't comment on an ongoing investigation. All I can say is it is not faring well for the Jones family," a spokesperson for the Sioux Falls District Attorneys office stated during a press release. "We are investigating whether any more people are involved in Mr. Swimmy's disappearance."

Upon further investigation police are looking at other possible suspects that helped aid the sudden death and disappearance of the fish. Facebook comments found on Diane Jones's page appear to point towards a plot to rid the Jones family of the fish.

Stacy Edwards, co-conspirator, friend, and coworker of Diane Jones was seen leaving inappropriate comments regarding the fish's death. "Just make sure he gets a double flush," Stacy laughed, during a private conversation on Facebook. "Will there be a wake? Is someone sitting Shiva with him?" Edwards repeatedly wrote on Jones's wall that you couldn't rule out suicide, obviously trying to divert the attention away from her disgusting and disrespectful comments towards the dead fish.

Eight other people are said to be connected towards the murderous plot, and can all be found on Diane Jones's Facebook page. Names of the people cannot be released due to their high profiles within the Sioux Falls community.

Facebook postings of these people discussed a possible "alcohol party" to celebrate the fishes death. "We can bring the beer", and "We can bring the tomato juice", were written on Diane Jones's wall, obviously indicating a tasteless tomato juice beer, which is typically drank throughout the Midwest.

The Sioux Falls Sewer Department had no comment when sifting through piles of poop to try and find Swimmy's body. The investigation will continue.

Quentin Shires

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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