Written by matwil
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Sunday, 10 January 2010

image for British government tells England to quit World Cup after deadly attack
'Back home, we'll be crying and crying, while tough guys win the Cup ...'

England's footballers are being told that they must not attend this year's World Cup in South Africa, after a deadly attack on their cities for years by Germans left their team bus destroyed in London.

Tens of thousands were killed across the country by explosive and incendiary bombs and even by passing fighter planes, and one whole city - Coventry - was destroyed in one air raid alone.

British government cynic Jock McBrodie said the team would not go because the players weren't in any state of shock. He added: 'We cannot in these self-important circumstances play in the World Cup, as Germany will be there. Sniff sniff ...'.

Germany's premier Angela Merkler met with European football officials to offer firing squads and Stuka bombings against any other nations cowardly pulling out of the World Cup, so the USA stayed in it nervously.

England's eighth choice goalkeeper David James said: 'We're footballers, not soldiers. OK, it's a shame that all those English people died but shit happens, man, you just gotta get on with the game. British footballers get attacked in the streets, have golf balls and even knives thrown at them at matches, but of course now we're not going to be brave and are staying home.'

39 football fans died and over 600 were injured during the match between Liverpool and Juventus at the Heysel Stadium in 1985 - but the game still carried on right to the end. Organic, freetrade pineapple from Togo with a cappucino latte, anyone?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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