Cash strapped Portsmouth FC today signed American conjoined twins, the Pissgum brothers to shore up a leaky defence. Pompey boss, Avram Grant is hoping that the Pissgum twins will form a Neville brothers type function at the club.
"We're hoping that as the brothers are conjoined, they will only count as one player. In effect this gives us a slight advantage, but that is negated somewhat by their lack of mobility," Grant told us. "They are each a different type of player. Percival has good ball skills and excellent spatial awareness, a good passer of the ball who reads the game well, whereas brother Buck is tenacious in the tackle, confrontational, and really likes to get stuck in. I suspect we're on a winner here."
The twins arrived in the city this morning with their wives, themselves conjoined twins, Mary and Terry McBriar and the forsome checked into the Chariot Regency hotel, overlooking the historic harbour.
"We're so pleased to be here," Mary told us. "We're here to support our husbands in their latest venture and we're really looking forward to the challenge."
"You gotta be kiddin' me!" Terry grimaced. "This place is the pits, man. It's cold, damp, wet, windy, grey, miserable, and there's snow everywhere! Plus, I heard from a bird that they're late paying the wage bill, and that nobody is entirely certain who even owns the damn club!"
"I did hear that they were in danger of being wound up by the receivers," Mary admitted. "But it's not about the money. It's about the challenge."
"Yeah, the challenge," Buck Pissgums growled. "I'm looking forward to kicking some of these sissy assed soccer players up in the air. That's gonna be fun all the way!"
At which point, Buck and Percival exchanged high fives.
"I have a bad feeling about this," Terry concluded. "They took us to the stadium earlier. Have you seen it? Stadium? I thought it was a fucking tool shed..."
More as we get it.