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Thursday, 31 December 2009

image for Timely Bowling Scandal Diverts Negative Attention from Tiger Woods

CHEYENNE, WY - Still recovering from the Tiger Woods scandal, the sports world finds itself mired in yet another public spectacle.

Three-time PBA tour champion Slim "Fats" Fettwanst is suing Lurlene Jenks, owner of the "Preemptive Strikes" 32-lane bowling alley just outside Cheyenne, Wyoming. Jenks stands accused of damaging Fettwanst's equipment during a crucial moment in the final rounds of the tournament.

"She strolled over to my lane and kicked my ball sack, just as casual as you please," Fettwanst told reporters who attended a conference with the bowler and his attorney. "At first, I was so shocked, I didn't know what to do. It's not everyday that a young woman attacks your ball sack. It hurt me, deep inside. Why would someone do something like that to a man's ball sack?"

Despite the initial pain of the incident, Fettwanst took a break to recover and decided to continue playing with his balls.

"Afterward, everything just seemed off," Fettwanst continued. "I'd built up a bunch of momentum, but then the mood was killed. No matter how I twisted my wrist or gripped my balls or experimented with different fingering techniques in my holes, I couldn't get out of the gutter. I knew something was wrong with my balls."

Officials suspended play to investigate Fettwanst's balls for damage or foul play.

"We had no choice but to halt the game after Fats asked us to check his balls," said Lyle Klepsturdinger, head referee for the PBA. "Sure enough, we found that his ball sack had been bruised pretty bad when Ms. Jenks kicked at it. Maybe it was the pointy shoes she was wearing or the sheer force of the kick, but she managed to rupture Fats' ball sack and dent both of his balls."

Investigators for the PBA have yet to establish a motive for the seemingly unprovoked assault. Ms. Jenks could not be reached for comment.

Although Mr. Fettwanst appears likely to win his suit, he expressed displeasure with the lack of attention his story has received. "If someone had fondled Tiger Woods' bag, we'd be hearing about it all over ESPN. Folks'd be a lot more upset if Tiger had trouble getting his balls in the hole, but then he doesn't seem to have that problem."

PBA's primary sponsor, Lumber Liquidators, has temporarily pulled advertising from the tour. A spokesperson for the company said, "It's not that we don't support Mr. Fettwanst or the PBA in general, it's just that our research indicates people have trouble focusing on wood after hearing about ball sacks being kicked."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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